Friday The 13th - Review

review by Marvel Man

First some back story, I really dig Jason Voorhees. In the pantheon of horror villains he is my definitive favourite. Maybe its the iconic image, the victimised and three dimensional nature, the inventiveness, the longevity. All I know is when it came to naming this site the Friday The 13th movies were what sprang to mind, so when a new one came out I was excited. I never got to the pictures so I watched it for the first time a couple of hours ago on DVD, seeing through a fan boys eyes. Make of that what you will going in and BEWARE YOU ARE IN SPOILER COUNTRY!!!
This movie opens with a cool but ridiculously brief scene which seeks to encapsulate the entire plot of the original Friday The 13th movie but dates it at the year of its release (1980), its disgustingly short at about one minute and a complete insult to fans, seeming like a bizarre attempt to keep the original film in continuity or disregard it entirely. In any case we get the customary sentence explaining Mrs Voorhees' motivations, Jason's history and that of Camp Crystal Lake. Quite simply more time should have been devoted to this, the stalk and slash cliche-by-numbers stuff that comes later seems painfully drawn out but this gets a few sentences in flashback. Bullshit!
We then move onto what seems like the second original movie replayed. Faceless teens talk weed and sex and the now adult burlap-sack wearing Jason kills them off in admittedly gruesome and inventive ways. This bit is also better than the majority of the movie solely for these cool death scenes and the cool way it posits the movies' back story as a sort of urban legend ghost story that turns out to be true despite nobody really believing it (allowing the characters to be clued in without it seeming stupid).
Sadly things go downhill from here. For some reason director Marcus Nispel thinks he's back on Texas Chain Saw territory and so you have sepia or blanket darkness filtering and obscuring everything, random hicks we meet who warn of bad things out there, exposition which serves no purpose outside of establishing stereotypes and a plot that, despite this being a suppposed "re-imagining" could be replayed verbatim from any Friday, hell any slasher. The only concession to this being a new start is when Jason ventures out of his old homestead to arbitraily claim a hockey mask in a scene that may as well have a flashing neon light reading "this is iconography". It makes no sense either as these towns folk say that he apparently only wants to be left alone. Bah.
The notable exception to this point of plot badness is the relatively engaging idea of Sam-or-Dean Winchester (you know the guy) set up as "final guy" and, in an unusual move, protectively seeking out his sister. Though this leads to cliche city as he chides the cops for being inept and tags along with the next group of teen-eotypes, angering the jerk, protecting the hot chick etc. Bizarrely as well he somehow finds his sister alive due to some gubbins about Jason thinking its his mom cos they look alike and she wears her pendant that she found earlier and frankly I can't be bothered to explain or care any further because its a totally ludicrous idea that serves no real, decent, sensible function and is clearly a plot purpose to drive you to the final showdown, tie events to what happened before in a cool way but with the single worst piece of dialogue of the decade ("Say hello to mommy...... in hell" as delivered with the panache of the infamous "mostly" speech in Aliens).
There are good points there if you really go looking (and I had to, I bought the DVD). The kills ARE great, never a missed opportunity and with some good twists, Jason's bait and switch new concept is great if only it hadn't clashed horribly with him being retarded (both within the plot back story and thinking his dead mother was alive and not aged). The film is also fun at times, and the mythology keeps it ticking and somewhat engaging.
The acting. Oh my, to call it wooden would be an insult to vibrant forests everywhere. Sam-or-Dean does ok but belongs on network television, still a step up from the catalogue models filling out the roles though. Jason is woefully, criminally miscast. Bring back Kane Hodder or Ken Kirzinger cos this Derek Mears guy does NOT get the dude at all, how can you act badly behind a mask with no dialogue? Oh he finds a way.
But I'm venting, the story isn't all that terrible, the pace is decent, the cast look great, there are gratuitous tit shots galore, a bunch of new killings... and sadly nothing new. The ending even replays that last shock from the original which is justifiably famous, its alright but none too shocking and great if its respectful but you can't help but feel it's as much about setting up an inevitable sequel. The DVD package is quite weak too, no explanatory commentary, a barely extended cut and some truly poor attempts at featurettes. As a whole one for die-hard fans to try and enjoy only. Sadly that includes this guy.

** (2/5)