Texas Chain Saw Massacre - Live Commentary

Hi gang. Can't take credit for this as it was Mr B’s idea to literally transcribe what we say during one of our film viewings, in the style of a DVD commentary, or more like the “Couch Poato” sections of genre magazines etc. To clarify for you this has been edited, for the sake of my sanity and yours, however I will telegraph where the film is as we speak (it only occasionally corresponds though so be warned and obviously SPOILER WARNING). MM is myself, the pointing goon in the picture above and MB is Mr Butterscotch, who I’m pointing at. Let’s dig in, enjoy...

The movie kicks off and we meet our group of teens on a road trip driving through Texas.

MM: It’s quite telling how the first thing they change here is to ditch the disabled guy from the original movie, he obviously wouldnt fit into our P.C world.

MB: That’s nonsense dude, he only wouldn't fit into the P.C World in the sense that he wouldn’t be down the local computer store.

MM: ...Still I think it also speaks volumes that they change the reason for the protagonists being there from going to Texas for a funeral to driving through Texas on the way back from Mexico after partying hard and getting drugs, feeds into the whole punishment of amorality thing Im always going on about as a cliche in these films. It's notable too how the first lines of character dialogue are about sex and STD’s, and we see these guys smoking pot, the virtuous “final girl” type being all against it.

The gang meets a female wandering down a road and stops to pick her up.

MM: I vividly remember this crazy hitchhiker who pulls a gun out of... herself, and blows her brains out. Weird.

MB: How do they know something's wrong? Why stop anyway? Doesn't she cut somebody first and that’s when it all kicks off.

MM: No you’re thinking of the original, fairly tamer scene actually, the same equivalent character just cuts the disabled guy and gets thrown out, here there are whole beats and scenes about her having killed herself and what they should do about it, kicks off the plot and strands them in the hick town, alerts them to the weirdness.

MB: Why is the whole town in on it?

MM: They’re all related to Leatherface. It’s a horrible coincidence. But the whole town? Why actually are they all evil or mental, I know we were told in Film class it was about the decline of jobs and the working classes etc.

MB: Yeah it’s just attacking rural towns and working class back water families. It’s just social commentary.

MM: It’s rubbish social commentary.

MB: Agreed... Check out the van, that's a Dodge. You’d get a fair few miles to the gallon out of that bad boy.

MM: Alright Clarkson, let’s watch.

MB: Man Jessica Biel can't act but she sure has great t*ts.

MM: Agreed but dude.

MB: Woah man, look at them bounce (NB: this was repeated almost ad nauseum every time said actress was on screen, I shan’t transcribe every single example)

At this point we have reached the Hewitt residence and the folk outdoors have discovered something...

MM: What is that?

MB: It’s a girl in a jar.

It is, in fact, a picture of a girl, and her family, in a jar.

MM: I can’t believe you were right.

Inexplicably two of the group stumble round Leatherface's house, to much confusion. Eventually the man himself makes his appearance.

MB: I knew they re-did the sequence where he steps out, clobbers a guy then slams a door shut. Much less effective here though.

MM: True but the final image is exactly the same. Iconic. Plus this film gains points for not finishing up with a girl running away screeching for a solid half hour.

MB: That was annoying, and the shit with the grandpa. Eurgh.

We cut to Leatherface’s lair and among the victims' body parts we clearly see the head of famous film geek Harry Knowles.

MB: Knowles!?

MM: Man I always forget that, its the kind of thing I like to tell people, apparently Knowles tore this film a new one and that’s their revenge.

Leatherface uncovers an engagement ring on his latest victim.

MM: Ah, he was gonna propose. I’m affected all emotionally like. (NB: Sarcasm)

MB: What does he want with that? He’s keeping it. Obviously gonna use it for a c@”k ring.

We see a scene of Leatherface’s real face, it does not look good.

MB: It’s Zombie Chunk! “Hey you guys. Thunk!”

An ineffectual death or two later and we wind up back in the lair where we now follow Biel as she witnesses the strung up, suffering body of the blonde teen Mr B has christened “Bruno”

MM: What’s with the crucafixation imagery? Why is that there? I find that quite offensive.

MB: Why?

MM: Because they aren’t trying to say anything, it’s just risque imagery for its own sake, like its supposed to shock you. And why does she have to kill him, I hate that all good guys have to have a bit of bad, some darkness in them, it’s why nobody can make a good Superman film, people can’t accept there are genuinely good people who are good for good reasons.

MB: It’s a blooding, like the hunt. She has to be strong enough to take on and kill the bad guys.

MM: Is it some kind of comment on euthanasia?

MB: You’re reading far too much into this, remember “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”

Biel is chased through to a hut along with the one victim she hasn’t finished off for the baddies

MM: I just remembered this is the guy who directed the Friday the 13th remake. You see what I mean about the monochrome lens, with like a sepia filter. It’s fine for rural Texas in the 70’s but a modern, bright, sunny, summer camp.

MB: It’s all the downtrodden working class.

MM: ...

MB: Nobody in the 70’s looked as hot as these guys anyhow.

Leatherface finishes off a guy by chain saw through the crotch.

MM: OH!!! I both love and hate that scene.

MB: You don’t see anything!! If this was an extreme french or japanese film you would see him split in two and drop in two halves.

MM: I still think its effective, we differ a lot on that point, I don't think you have to see as much.

Biel is now chased through the abbatoir we passed earlier. Leatherface ploughs through two folds of hanging meaty corpse to attack her.

MM: That scene seemed quite phallic. Not sure it was intentional though. Maybe it was a metaphorical invasion of female power though for which he ends up neutered by losing an arm...?

Biel steals back a baby she met earlier and escapes, inviting comparisons to the original film, and it’s superior effectiveness again. The last scene I demand pause for and dig again as we get a final shock...

MB: Yeah not bad. Still enjoyable, decent. *** stars

MM: I might even go to ****

MB: I couldn’t man.

MM: Well i think so, yeah very good, still like it.

MM